Tippity tappity tap on the keyboard as a release to get thoughts out of my head in hopes that it will stay out. But as I type this I’m wondering about the futility of my actions.
Every time I feel myself slipping into this mode of what I call self destruction, I wonder why it never goes away. If I list down on paper what I have, it always looks like I’ve got it good but for some reason something inside just is never satiated. Never satisfied.
My sleep, if that is what you can call it, is filled with multiple dreams. I’m talking 5+ dreams a night, all attacking me. All anything but peaceful. It’s always pain, hurt and the hardest to get over, the inability to move/speak/escape from what it is that is coming to get me.
Every time I feel that I’ve moved forwards and am in a better place, this comes along to remind me that I have, not in fact, moved at all. It’s as if there’s something inside me that has a thirst that can not be quenched. And I don’t know, for the life of me, what it is.
It has been ages since I’ve had a decent night’s sleep. I’m willing to say it’s been years and it’s no exaggeration. I wish I knew what it is that will make this go away. A chiropractor once told me that it’s because my 2nd & 3rd vetebrae is not aligned. Is this really something as simple as a spinal adjustment?
I sometimes wish I could lead a simple life. One where I could be satisfied with whatever I have but something just won’t let me and I wish so much that it were not true. This constant battle with whatever it is that lives inside is tiring me so much! I wake up every morning and have to resist the urge to yell ‘I WANT OUT!!’ and the only reason why I resist is because I know that it will do me no good.
What is it?? I look down at my paper with a list of pros of my life and I can not find fault. It’s always the same thing over and over again. I can never pinpoint exactly what it is. It’s something that can not be written down on a list which makes it that much harder to overcome.
So god help me, because I’m struggling to help myself.